Burned out!

Burnout is a term that we all are familiar with nowadays and many have also been burned out. I’m happy that we live in a time where burnout is not a taboo anymore, where the importance of mental well being is being acknowledged. But that doesn’t mean we don’t get burned out any more, it just means that there is more room and understanding for it than before.

I write from my own experiences. What felt right for me, might not feel right for you. But I just hope that with my writing people will feel encouraged to be good and gentle for themselves and others.

Not getting the right energy

“Just because you are good at something and it comes easy to you, doesn’t mean that it gives you the right energy”

I was 22 when I got my bachelor degree and I started working full time. I felt independent and proud and I was ready for this, I thought. During the first years I found out what tasks I was good at, what tasks I didn’t like and what tasks I wanted to improve in. What I also learned later is that just because you are good at something and it comes easy to you, doesn’t mean that it gives you the right energy.

“Years later I realized, they were right. My personality wasn’t the right fit for the job”

So throughout the years I switched jobs and I had jobs where I was doing what I was good at. But during these years I was told several times that I was too sensitive and too sweet, I needed to learn to say ‘no’ to others, I needed to set better boundaries, I needed to be tougher. Someone even told me that I needed to get out of the shade and get on stage. ‘I don’t like being on stage and who says I’m in the shade? What if I just have a nice and quiet spot in the son’, I thought. All these things were brought as ‘points of improvements’. They didn’t have anything to say about my performances or the work I delivered. It was my character, my personality that they commented about. Basically they were saying that I wasn’t good enough for the job the way I am. Years later I realized, they were right. My personality wasn’t the right fit for the job.

Losing your true colors

But not knowing that yet, I worked on these ‘points of improvements’. I became very good at becoming this alter person that I was expected to be. I was praised for being a chameleon. I could switch quickly and adjust swiftly to every situation. As the chameleon that I developed in, I had many colors for every situation to adapt and blend in. But I lost my true colors.

Time to recover and to heal

“I started crying, hysterical and uncontrolled. I had no idea what was wrong with me”

Year in and year out of being this alter person instead of being my authentic self, was burning me out little by little. I started to feel anxiety and I had several panic attacks. I still remember the day that felt like I was just switched off, like a zombie. That evening I had dinner plans with my sisters in law, only I was at the wrong restaurant in the wrong part of the city. My brain wasn’t capable of thinking clearly anymore. So I went home, because I felt I was standing on an edge. And it was the next day that I would have my break down. My husband came home from work and I started crying, hysterical and uncontrolled. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I cried for hours while my husband was rocking me and holding me like a fragile child. I remember that after a few hours my husband said ‘This was the last day, you are not going back there, you are staying home now’. I needed to get help and I needed time, a lot of time, to recover and to heal.