Being okay with being you!

I’ve always had an interest in psychology, especially in the different types of personalities. For a long time I thought that being extraverted was the way to achieve things in life. And that being me, a sensitive individual, was a weakness. But I have learned thath that is a lie. It doesn’t matter if you are extraverted or introverted, what matters is that you can be you. Your authentic self! And from this you can flourish within your own capacity and at your own pace. 

“I’m living a simple yet very fulfilled and joyful life, but this wasn’t always the case”

Because I’m quite sensitive I wanted to write about this subject, from my own experience. Now I’m living a simple yet very fulfilled and joyful life, but this wasn’t always the case.

When our daughter was very young, we pretty quickly saw that she is very sensitive too and she got overwhelmed fast. I wanted to know more about how to support her. So I went googling and I found the book of Elaine N. Aron, The Highly Sensitive Child. This book has been truly an eye opener for me too. I always felt different and more sensitive than others around me, so this book has been helpful to me and for supporting my daughter.

Elaine N. Aron explains that when you are a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) your nervous system responds more strongly to stimuli than that of others and you can get overwhelmed by all the stimuli. Being highly sensitive is not a disorder or diagnosis and it does not mean ‘you are too sensitive ‘ or ‘you are overreacting’. It means your nervous system is finely tuned. It picks up subtle subtle signals. If you want to learn more about HSP I can recommend the book of Dr. Elaine N. Aron and/or visit her website https://hsperson.com/

Don’t become disconnected from who you truly are

When I was a young child I didn’t yet have the words or the experience to understand why I was the way I was. And why I always felt so different from other kids. I started to see that if I acted more social, people liked that. ‘That’s the way I have to be’, I thought subconsciously. So I developed, also subconsciously, an altered version of myself who was more social and extraverted. As a teenager I always found it very hard to have friends and to be a friend. Because I couldn’t find a connection with them. I had enough friends though. I went out with friends, I had drinks with friends, I even went on vacation with friends. But I didn’t feel a connection with them. That had nothing to do with my friends. Now I see I was disconnected from who I truly was, that I couldn’t connect with others.

“ I tried harder to fit in that performance focussed society, where I would be accepted”

When I started working after I got my bachelor degree I received the feedback that I was too sweet and I needed to be tougher. I already developed a version to adapt that wasn’t me. So I tried harder to fit in that performance focussed society, where I would be accepted. And I managed. People at work praised me for being so adaptive, being a chameleon. For every situation I had a color to adapt. But I lost my true colors. 

I find it fascinating and disturbing at the same time how you can live (subconsciously) a life for so many years as a person that is not truly you, not your authentic self. I started to understand who I was and it became so clear why I was struggling so much. Why I was so tired all the time. I was getting used to all the stimulation, so I accepted it as normal. But it was actually draining me. Often I felt so emotional that I just had to cry alone in my room. It turns out I’m not the only one. And that felt comforting, not being the only one.

You can learn to heal and grow

“You can live a happy and fulfilled life where you can also experience beautiful things very intensely”

I started to learn that there is nothing wrong with who I was. That you don’t have to adapt to be able to cope and live in this world. You can learn to heal and grow. You can live a happy and fulfilled life where you can also experience beautiful things very intensely.

“With this understanding and awareness you can now go forward and not backwards”

I wanted to work on feeling truly happy and feeling the joy in life no matter the circumstances. That became my new goal, but not in a healthy way, because I pressured myself into achieving that goal. It had taken years to develop this socially extraverted version of myself. You can’t get rid of this version in a few weeks or months, or even years. And that shouldn’t be your goal. Everyday you are learning and you understand more and more. And with this understanding and awareness you can now go forward and not backwards. Even if it feels you’re going backwards, always believe that you are still going forward.

“Doing things that make you feel joyful and doing things at your own pace within your own capacity”

Isn’t it wonderful that we have a lifetime to learn? There is no deadline that you have to know everything before you are 30, 40 or 50 and so on. And while you are learning you can feel happiness and joy in life, no matter the circumstance. 

Just like it is important to feed your body with healthy food, we need to feed our mind and soul with healthy and good things too. That can be reading books or listening to podcasts that inspire you, surrounding yourself with the right people, being in the right environment, doing things that make you feel joyful and doing things at your own pace within your own capacity.